OH EM GEE! 100 Ways to Kill a MarySue!
by Hisa-Me Kurai
Summary: If you love Mary Sue bashing, this is the story for you! Anime, Manga, Movie characters, no one shall be spared, but all shall be well as I present one hundred hilarious ways to kill off the Dread Sue! Rated high for language, and Evil Sue Energy
1. Case One: Sohma Hatori

_(A/N: Ohhhhhkay! I've read so many hilarious Sue-bashing fics, that I thought I'd try MY hand! Tell me how I do!)_

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**Case One: Sohma Hatori**

"Hatori my luv!!!!!eleventy-one111!!"

Hatori Sohma quirked an eyebrow as a girl, who couldn't have been 13, but had the body of a supermodel, dashing towards him.

Her eyes were big and green, or were they big and orange….purple? What the fuck?!

And her hair, it was, no wait it was short…it was…both? And it was straight, no curly…wavy? Huh?! And why did it keep shifting form blonde to black to rainbow striped?!

And then there was the matter of her skin….it was like porcelain it was so pale and wh-on second thought, never mind, it was a healthy golden bro…peach? Abuh?!

"Oh hatori, my luv!!11one! I've been looking all over for you :D." she cried, her voice like melodious bells chim-angels sing-maple syrup?!?!?!?!!?

Hatori paused a moment to take in her outfit. She wore the same style fuku as Toh- never mind, she was dressed like a cheap Malaysian transvesti – goth? Preppy? with a collective of birds twittering behind her and flower petals dancing all around...nuh?!

Without thinking twice, Hatori grabbed the girl by the wrist, tugging her forward.

"OMG! Are you, lyke, takin' me 2 your house so we can doit ;D? You drrty drrty boi!!1!one" she giggled in a manner she thought to be seductive, wrapping her arm around his and trailing her fingers down it.

Without even looking at her, he continued his determined plod forwards.

"Wuz wrong, haotri baby? OH! R u, lyke, gonna take revenge on my eebil parants for beating me all these years and locking me in the basement? Dat iz lyke, sooooooooo kyoot!!!111elventy-one!!!" she squealed, nuzzling her face into his coat.

"…if you can dodge traffic…" Hatori muttered quietly, causing the girl to stand on tipto-to turn and look at him to listen better.

"Ya, Hatri?" she purred, thinking her was whispering sweet nothings in her ear, completely entranced by her over all beauty, intelligence, grace, and athletic prowess.

"…you can dodge a ball." He said calmly, grabbing her other hand and lobbing her into the busy intersection he had been looking for.

"WTF?!" she cried as the speeding bus mowed her down, making her innards spew everywhere.

Hatori sighed in relief, taking a seat on a bench about five steps away.

"…Ha'ri? …did you just quote a B-move?" Momiji asked, looking a bit disturbed as he paused to look at his relative.

He had been on his way to his violin lessons and had seen almost everything.

"Another one of those crazed being effecting my way of thinking, Momiji-kun." He said dryly, fishing around in his front pocket for a cigarette.

"Oh! I getcha. No wonder." Momiji said with a relieved smile.

"…shall I walk you to your lessons then?" Hatori asked calmly, rising from his seat, lit cigarette in his mouth.

"Ja!" Momiji grinned, grabbing Hatori by the arm and dragging him off.

On the pavement, the blood, bone fragments and splattered organs began to twitch and started eeling back together.

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_(A/N: Next Up - Jareth, from the Labyrinth)_


	2. Case Two: Jareth, The Goblin King

**(A/N: Next chapter up!! Tell me how I'm doing!)**

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**Case Two: Jareth, The Goblin King**

He sighed deeply, gazing into the crystal in his hand, looking upon a love long lost, happy with her life, content with her mortal boyfriend and foolish little brother.

Completely happy without him in her life.

He had been awaiting the day Sarah herself would be wished away, so that he could make her his completely…but knew it was just a pipe dream – she'd grown up well, grown up kind.

It would never hap-

"Brooding again, are we brother?"

Jareth's head snapped around to glare at the figure in the doorway. Who was this fool who dared to claim a sibling relationship with him? And interrupt his private thoughts?

A woman with a toned physi-scuse me, willowy figu-…okay a model's frame, entered the chamber clad in a floor leng-um, knee len-thigh high?! Pwuh?! Any ways she was wearing a silken gown that accentuated her frame.

Her eyes were brown and blue…uh, green and gold? Red and black?! GAH! And were framed by lon-uh short blon- brune-auburn? hair.

She was about five si-um, five fee-five ten? And with the grace of a cat, glided into the room.

"You shouldn't obsess so much." She said in a silken-syrupy-bell like voice, extracting the crystal from his hands, "It isn't healthy."

Jareth stared at this woman...this elegant creature draped over his shoulders, her bosoms pressing against his back.

In the smoothest of motions, he had hurled the woman over his shoulder, out the window, and onto the jagged rocks below screaming mournfully all the way.

"Tch..disgusting thing…trying to warp my thoughts…bah." He said derisively, watching casually as the creature writhed in pain, bleeding profusely and losing strength fast.

_I WISH THE GOBLIN KING WOULD COME AND TAKE THAT WRETCH SARAH WILLIAMS AWAY!!! THAT IS MY FINAL WISH! MAY SHE SUFFER!!_

Jareth's eyes widened at the vile things dying thoughts then grinned in a mixture of happiness and sadistic pleasure.

"Ahhhh…my dear Sarah…it looks as though this time MY dreams are coming to fruition." He smirked, spiriting off to collect the woman in question.

As he disappeared to collect his prize, the corpse on the rocks below gave a violent twitch.

In the Aboveground, Sarah gave an almighty shudder.

"Whats wrong baby?" her boyfriend said, draping an arm over her shoulders and giving her a squeeze.

"I just get the feeling I'll be taking a trip really soon." She murmured uneasily, looking around as though she was searching for something.

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**(A/N: Next up - Captain Jack Sparrow)**


	3. Case Three: Capt Jack Sparrow

(A/N: Next chappie up!!!!)

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**Case Three: Capt. Jack Sparrow**

"Get on ya, scurvy dogs!" Jack barked, the crew darting about as they raised anchor, and filled the sails.

"Yo ho, yo a pirate's life for me…" he sang to himself, a small smirk on his lips as he took a swig of rum…only to spit it immediately out again.

Juice!

Someone had had the audacity to switch out his beverage of choice with (sniff test) cider?!

Someone was going to pay dearly for this. With their LIVES if he had his way about it.

"Alright then!" he bellowed, hurling the bottle in his hand to the deck, causing shards of glass to fly everywhere, "Whose the yellow bellied bilge rat who swapped out my rum for this pig swill?"

A silence fell over the ship and puzzled looks were exchanged between the crew of the Black Pearl. Nobody on board was stupid enough to touch the Captain's rum…we're they?

"It was me." A confiden-timi-sultry?! voice said, the owner of whom shoved Elizabeth Swan so hard she almost fell over board (thank god for Will)

It was a woman…a cute-scratch that, breath tak-uh…goddess like creature. She was dressed appropriately enough, in loos-skin tigh-comfort fit trousers, with calf length…shoes?! And a frilly, revealing sleeveless white top-excuse me, short sl-long?!

Her skin was a healthy tan, um sorry make that peach…milk white? OH MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Her hair was shuh-long and stra-curly and was jet black, no wait, it was dark red…blonde? Oh I give up. And her eyes were pale gray…pink? black…I need asprin.

"Oh Jack, I know how long you've wanted to nip your alcoholism in the bud, so I decided to help you, my dear and I took the liberty of dumping that vile rum over the side." She said sweetly-cheerful-stoically, not noticing the flash of metal as Jack leveled his rapier to her throat.

"You'd best be joking, love." He said coolly, "Because if there's one thing I don't take kindly to…its stowaways…especially if they throw away one of my only sources of pleasure."

The girl blinked, her ivory/pink/gray orbs filling with tears, "So you're saying that when you said you loved me it was a lie?"

"What are you on?" Jack asked, looking seriously confused, but not confused enough to drop his sword.

"So that night in Port was just a game to you?" she sobbed, her voice mournful enough to stir even the hardest of hearts, "What would our SON think?"

"She's off her rocker." Will said incredulously, hand flitting nervously to his sword, "We haven't to port in ages."

"That settles it then." Jack said cheerfully, grabbing one of the woman's spindly/thin/tapered wrists and twisting her around so her back was to him and his blade was pressed against her throat, "All in favor of keel hauling say aye."

"Aye." Said the majority of the crew (Elizabeth included – she's a bit ticked the wench nearly threw her over the starboard side)

"What? Wait! What about the baby?" the girl shrieked, fighting with unbelievable strength to get free.

"You say something, love?" Jack drawled listlessly as the ropes were tied around the stowaway, pinning her arms at her side, "SHOVE OFF!"

As soon as the command was given, she was hurled over the side screaming.

"Why is the rum…always gone?" Jack sighed irritably, scratching the back of his head.

"Its not entirely gone Jack. She missed your kegs in the hold I'm willing to bet." Elizabeth offered helpfully. At the words, kegs, hold, rum, Jack was sprinting down the stairs.

Meanwhile, below the surface, the "girl" beating up against the barnacles of the ship, melted into an oozy substance and drifted away with the tide…

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(A/N: By request!!! Case Four: Uchiha Itachi!!! R&R!)


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